Thursday, December 10, 2009

Gravity; a slightly depressing post

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Something has been wrong lately. I always write blogs about personal things such as friends, relationships and family- and then delete or save them to my drafts. This is done for numerous reasons, one being that my identity is public so no anonymity is kept. Also, most of my blog readers come for the shopping, beauty and style aspect.
I just need to vent though. So maybe give me this one pain in the arse complaining life story post and we'll then be back to lipgloss and bags again. ;p
Does anyone know what it's like to be depressed? to always doubt yourself, to never feel good enough. To have to wallow in your own self pity but not have the strength to stop?
Unfortunately, many people do. And although i don't regret anything that has happened in the past two years as it's made me so much stronger as a person and allowed me to grow up...I sometimes wish i was able to hold onto happiness. It's always been something i've failed to do.
I always get sick of things, sick of people. I have major issues underneath what seems like a happy girl who doesn't have much on her plate. I can't deal with my family, or more specifically, my mum. Yet i can't live without her and don't even want to try. Everything is an issue, every hurdle for her, is another hurdle for me. I want to support her, but sometimes i feel like she lives through me. Which understandably, i know a lot of mums can't help but want the best for their child. It's much more complicated than that though. You know when you're a kid and you cry and your parents tell you to shut up and stop crying? and the more you try to stop- the more you end up crying? it's like that, I can't just snap out of it and be happy mum, things are deeper than that.
I run away from things, not literally but i build barriers, i make assumptions, i feel like i should always be one step ahead everyone else. I feel the need to protect myself, I don't know how to let anyone in properly without pushing them away again. Those who really care, i guess know me so well and love me that they accept it and just get me but the majority, just walk away.
The need to protect myself and be ahead of everyone else comes from my relationship with my dad. I was bought up really strictly and he pushed me to learn 2 instruments, high school maths amongst all the house hold chores while i was still in my younger years of primary school. To please him, i tried, really hard, i did everything (not that i had much of a choice, he would hit me if i didn't 'obey'). I did it even if i hated it and would have been rather out playing with my friends- which by the way, i wasn't even allowed to do. And then, out of the blue- he just leaves me. After all my effort, it just took him a second to decide he didn't want to be in my life anymore. It hurt so bad, and that is why i never want to hurt like that again.
My mum fell apart, she kept going but it killed her. I used to lie awake at night listening to her cry. She changed after the divorce and although she was still my mum, she was never the same.
Not that i regret them separating, he was a jerk. He used to hit her, like physically harm her. And he was always drunk, and then he would go spend all our money gambling. But he wasn't like that in the beginning, it was like he woke up one day and decided to be someone else. She was right to leave him, and i will always admire the strength it would have taken for her to start a new life and bring up her kids without a partner and practically nothing.
I missed out on a lot of time allowed to be a kid, i couldn't cry without feeling angry, and i couldn't be angry without crying. Eventually, my hurt turned into determination and i vowed to prove to my dad, i was better without him and that i didn't need him.
And yes, i don't need him but the pieces he left behind damaged me. Since high school started, i had my first boyfriend and a great group of friends. I don't know if it was just a bad year, or more like a bad few past years but i stuffed all that up. And then i stuffed up my next relationship after that, and then i wasted my time with the 3rd relationship which was my longest but should have been my shortest. And since then, i havn't had a proper relationship with another male without hurting him or running away. It's partly due to my immaturity that these things didn't work out for me, but partly due to commitment/relationship issues i have as well. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, but i don't want a guy who just likes me for what i seem like or look like. I don't want to settle for second best either.
I'm hurting at the moment from a 'non relationship' that didn't work out after a long time. I always thought i'd come out the winner but it seems right now, i'm the loser. Cos it hurts, it does. I didn't think ahead to think it'd unfold like this. I don't know why he didn't want me to be his gf, i don't know if it was because we were good friends or because he knew me too well. He sure didn't act like he didn't want me though. That's the fucked up thing, not knowing.
I don't even know how i felt, i never said anything and neither did he but you know, it's the actions you remember.
I feel like a dumb arse. I always like the wrong people and the wrong people always like me. I'm always in some type of predicament which i can't get my head around. I just want time to stop and everything to find their place. And i just want to be happy.

6 comments:

  1. I've gone through so many phases of second guessing myself.
    I didn't think anyone else would relate to what I went through until I read this post. Although so many negative things have happened in your life, you were strong enough to fight and conquer. Knowing me, I probably wouldn't be as strong as you are.
    And non-relationships suck, but boys will be boys. They are and will always be jerks no matter what :P I just went through one too. He acted the same way but I think he's worse compared to yours, because of this one thing.
    Cheer up, buttercup :) Sure everyone has their bad hair days, but I say it's better to live optimistically than pessimistically. *big big big virtual hug* !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello dear,

    Thanks so much for sharing. I think most women will change after a divorce or heartbreak. My mum is the same. The difference is that she stayed with my Dad because she wants me to have a 'complete' family and boy oh boy, she never lets me forget that.

    I am really sorry that your Dad is physically abusive towards your Mom. I will never ever forgive a man who hits a woman.

    The desire to please our parents seems to be a primordial need. I have gradually start to break free of my mother's grasp. Hopefully one day, you will be able to as well.

    Relationships are complicated. Up till today, I still have no idea what defines a successful relationship for every relationship is different. With each heartbreak, I become more able to 'compartmentalise' my feelings in order to survive. But again, this is something I hope to be able to deal with in a different way rather than putting my feelings in boxes and then storing them (Bree's words from Desperate Housewives). I hope that you will be able to find a way as well.

    I don't mind reading a mixture of personal life and shopping. Like I mentioned on my blog, life's a mixture of sunshine and tears. :)

    *Hugs*
    Hope

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for sharing this hun, its so deep! I didn't know you had stuff like that going on in your life.

    I know we've only known eachother for like hmmm 8 or so months but I know you are a gorgeous strong girl and I love you for who you are!!

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. you know i'm here! love you so much it could almost be lesbian love! (almost cecilia, let's not mention that time the world ended....)
    i can't promise to always be there, but i can promise to try, because i know you'd do the same for me. sorry sometimes for my 'dickiness' - thats when i need you to slap me (in the face, not what you're thinking) and help me be a better person. whenever some stalker arsehole is around you, you can just cough and stamp your leg on the ground twice - and i will run him over with my elephant.
    just for you: TOOOOSHIBAA! will egg the gay guys at maccas soon hehehehehehehe...

    LOVE YOU SIS/MAMA!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey lovely Cecilia, I've been reading your blog for a while (and loving it). Thanks so much for sharing, you're very brave to put this up - really respect that!! Just want to say that you completely deserve the best guy, and he is out there, just it IS so hard to wait for it...but you never know, it could be just around the corner. But then again, you are a wonderful, complete person all by yourself. I know what you mean by liking the wrong person...I think that's me at the moment. Gaahhh I don't know, I can see it going ahead and all but maybe it won't and then I don't know whether I'll be happy (to avoid a bad ending) or really just quite horribly sad. Just want to say that although I've come to your blog via VF, I love personal blogs too, as I'm sure most others do as well!!! Take heart, keep strong, xx Deb

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cecilia, you are wonderfully BRAVE for sharing this.

    Whether it's because of, or in spite of, your childhood, you are destined for great things. You are articulate, intelligent and a real sweetie to boot.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete

thanks for your comments lovelies! :) xoxo ♥