Friday, February 5, 2010

you're sel sel selfish you

~Maybelline color sensational lipstick in pink please

Ah, i'm super drained. i had literally 1 hr sleep last night- long story cut short;
(on thursday) I had an afternoon nap then woke up for work, got home from work just before midnight cos went out for late night dinner with work mates. Tried to sleep, couldn't. Went online to choose my subject preferences for uni, thought about things. Realized I was a hard child to bring up, being stubborn and outspoken. I'm always very ambitious and determined, it's hard to convince me to do anything that i don't think of myself.
My mum has been through so much with me and lately my 'dad' has been trying to contact me, the thing is after all the shit i dealt with because of him, everyone expects me to find 'closure' or break down and cry...When the reality is, i actually feel nothing.
Well, i guess i do feel something- I feel annoyed, bothered and a bit angry. He did some horrible things to my mum, he took my grandmother's money/fortune which she left before she died and he used it to rent out an apartment for the waitress he was f*cking. I can see why that would make my mum's blood boil. I mean, it's hard enough dealing with a cheating bastard for a husband but imagine him taking your dying mother's money and pampering his whore with it. This wasn't just any amount, it was at least (this was my mum's share, she has 6 siblings (hah big asian families) in which let's say a million and a half was split (by selling the big family house and family business) and they each received 200-300 grand) $200,000-300,000 (or even more) but it's hard to say cos asians keep their money and trade their money in blocks of gold or something of the like. The value always changes so yah.
Anyway, I will never forgive him for what he did to her, i'm sure my grandma is turning in her grave right now. It was so difficult, my mum had to start from nothing. She learnt english, how to drive and built a career all on her own. She also could wear what she wanted and actually live. He was so abusive towards her, physically and mentally. And i can tell he regrets it now because my mum is beautiful now, more beautiful than when she was with him. And she has a loving, strong boyfriend who could beat his skinny asian ass up (lol)
So he's been full on playing up the sweet talking with me, texting me, emailing me and i actually found it amusing, cos the things he wrote sound so lame- like he googled "daughter daddy relationships 101" and copied and pasted. "oh sweetheart look at my face, so old from all the years spent missing you my darling" hahahaha. right, i mean it's not like your contacting me because you saw my name in the paper for first round offers for uni or the fact that you google me and my facebook and twitter/blog are the first 2 results. You are the most shallow & selfish person i know and i will not make you look good you dick. He also recently hit his own mother (my other grandma) and she would sneak and call me and my mum and pretty much break down. She also recently sold her house and business and wanted to split it with all her grandchildren and he tricked her into transferring it all into an "account" which somehow ended up being his account and now she has nothing. He locked her up and she recently went back to vietnam and lives with friends now. I don't actually care about the money but i feel like it's not right that he should be able to get away with so many bad things, I want what belongs to my mother. I would go on but i think that's enough, if you guys knew all the stuff he has done and the person he is, you would be so ashamed for him. You can not save or change someone who is ugly inside and out and chooses to stay that way. I spent years struggling and coming to terms with everything and i'm pretty proud of myself but it feels weird to accept the fact that i didn't need a dad growing up, because i had such a wonderful mother. No one is perfect but she never gave up on me and that's more than i can say for him. And just because (he actually mentioned this, of course in a sugarcoated way though) he thinks i turned out really pretty and academically well off and also living standards- i'm not poor, i'm not super rich but i have enough to be happy. Anyway he suddenly wants to claim me as his daughter so he'll look good.
Whatevs trevs. So i ended up going into my mum's room, climbing into bed with her and giving her a huge hug, we had a 2 hr dnm where we just talked and then we fell asleep for a bit and woke up so i could help her revise her exam study notes (she's doing an extended beauty degree (make-up, aromatherapy, messages, treatments, nails, etc) on top of her hairdressing qualifications and she had an assessment) i then went to my bed where i slept for a teeny bit before just getting up.

What i wore (on wednesday-hehe delayed posting);
jacket: forever 21
dress: random boutique
shoes: just simple mocha colored thongs.

~revlon illuminance eyeshadow quad-nude shimmery beige color as base. Light champagne color on inner lid (can't remember what i used soz!), Anna sui light blue eyeshadow on mid to outer lid. NARS bellydance eyeshadow duo-the purple side in crease & outer v. Wearing Maybelline color sensational lipstick in pink please on lips.

Today me & tess went to visit Llew and we all now have fake 'asian names' LOL to bag eachother and as an inside joke, yes we're a bit special lol ;p poong suk!!!!!
~ah the joy of 'caught in the rain hair mixed with i didn't get to blowdry my hair cos the electricity went out hair' mmm yes. This morning around my area electricity went out completely, was a big bummer as i had to sit at the bus stop with wet hair in the rain. :(
We went highpoint for dinner and kinda walked around, i went to this doggie place to get Sammy his dog food, his 'my dog' (the expensive stuff sigh bloody spoilt i tell you!) and Lennon, Tereza's dickhead brother annoyed me- but that's another story. i hope he trips and falls. I also signed Sammy up for puppy training classes, he starts at the end of feb. will be fun yes?

So hope everyone has been well and smiling! :) for Melbournians, stick in there- I hope our weather stops being a pain in the arse. I mean how can it be over 30 degrees, rain and be cold in the exact same 42hrs? gosh that's weird.

17 comments:

  1. Hello dear,

    I hope you are feeling better now as well! I will never be able to forgive a women basher.

    My ex-bf used to tell me that I am lucky because he didn't bash me. He was Viet and his parents pampered him so much! He was such a male chauvinistic pig but his mother actually allowed it. Like his mum said to me, that I have to cook and wash for him, when I was studying and working full time and he was too lazy to get a job and not doing anything at all.

    Like it's my duty? They kicked their 2 daughters out but allowed the son to live with them even when he's 25 now. The younger sister had to help with a lot of chores and get this, massaging her father and making him coffee when she was just 12! The son never had to do anything.

    Seriously, after 5 years, I am really really turned off Viet guys. Not that I am racist, just a bad experience.

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  2. That dress is so cute and perfect for spring! Love it with that jacket.

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  4. u are such a beauty =)



    visit&follow me.

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  5. @ j, i can't comment you back on your profile/blog and i will delete this comment as you requested but not before (hopefully) you read this

    i'm a bit hesitant about sharing these things but honestly, sometimes things need to be said and i feel so much better getting it out in the open and now honestly, that i've dealt with it, (i was like depressed for 2 years) i'm not scared anymore, of him or my past. I know he reads my blog occasionally too so i hope he sees this and i really hope he knows what a jerk he is.
    My mum has a restraining order against him so he can't go near within a specific distance of her. He used to hit my little brother and me too. It's really hard in these situations as my mum did put up with it for a long time. it went from when i was in year 3 till year 7 when the divorce was finally finalized. and he would always come back and ask for money and hit my mum.
    Apparently a lot of traditional vietnamese men do this, i don't know why but i think it's a stupid community and that it should stop. My mum went to this women's society thing where a lot of other vietnamese women who were abused came there for help so it's definitely very common.
    I know exactly what you mean by living 'together' as i had that type of arrangement for a good few years. I used to feel exactly like you, and i think that's what killed me most- not being able to do anything to stop him, being too young, too weak at that age.

    When my mum left, it was so hard, we struggled, not having enough money or anything, we moved away but he would follow us and harass her. But i think it reached a point where things were so stuffed up that it had to somehow stop.

    I became a bit bitter and angry from all this, i was confident but i always felt like the confidence was from my anger. And once the anger faded, i was just sad. very sad.
    I didn't understand why i couldn't just have a normal dad, one that just loved me. I mean surely that's not a big thing to ask? i'm sure my childhood would have been much better if i didn't have to watch my mum cry and find my little brother hiding in the closet.

    I think it's a case of you can never really tell, i'm sure you and i have things in common, first of all the fact that you're very strong and that i commend you for sticking in there and still pushing through. likewise i wish you all the best and i really hope things fall into place.

    My mum has a partner now and he's not vietnamese (surprise) he's european and they have a much healthier relationship and you can tell they care and love eachother. Not all vietnamese men are bad though, my uncle who isn't even blood related to me is one of the KINDEST men i have ever met, but the funny thing is he's had so many women cheat on him and leave him, he's too kind but he's been there for me when i've refused to come out of my room and hid under my sheets crying so he's living proof that vietnamese men of that generation are not all arseholes, just a large majority are.
    Even though it's been a pain in the arse, i'm glad i went through everything i did, i'm glad we struggled because i lived life and it's made me so much stronger. My mum although i think she hasn't accepted it in the light i have, is so much happier now, i don't think she even realizes but she laughs and smiles ever day.

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  6. @ j- continued; (golly gosh this is a long arse comment)

    I can go about wearing my lipgloss, painting my nails and wearing pretty clothes but i will never ever forget what life is really about and that family and friends are what matters when it comes down to the very gritty hard bit of life that no one talks about.
    I know who i am and the things i do and the things i like don't define me, it's what i've been through, what's in my heart and the way i think that makes me who i am. That my friend, we probably have in common :)

    to be frank, No one gives a shit about lipgloss when your family's falling apart, everyone's unhappy and you don't have money. If you ever feel like revealing yourself, i'd love to be a lurker back and i'm sure we could be friends. g'luck and hang in there darl!

    xo

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  8. Close to 4am and I have work in a couple of hours too. Perhaps we're not so different after all. haha *slaps forehead*

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  9. You look great! Cute dress too
    x, fashionnerdic

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  10. haha i read the conversation between u in the comments
    and yes sometimes things needs to be said

    u are such a beauty

    hope u will love my blog

    xoxo

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  11. Thanks for sharing this Cecilia..
    I've always wondered why you never talk about your dad...and now I understand why.
    You're a beautiful strong girl and you dont need people like him bringing you down in your life!
    xoxo

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  12. Although I can't imagine what it would be like to go through that, I think it takes alot of courage to experience that, come out as a stronger person, and also to be able to talk about it openly.

    Thanks for sharing your story xo

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  13. your mother seems like such an AMAZING person & i'm glad that everything is going well with her right now - with her new boyfriend, an intelligent daughter & most of all - free from your father. and that's great you had a good day with your friend :)

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  14. last words:
    @ J, my dad had a gambling issue as well and also drinking issues. alco alert! oh yes and among that some intelligence issues as well :) since he obviously isn't very bright for making the decisions he has! :p

    you seem like a really sweet person too :) and it's good to be private! i find those people are always the smartest. ah yes 4am nights, story of my life- i am becoming an owl.

    tc lovey!
    xo

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  15. @ everyone else, thank-you for the lovely comments. i've always said this is a style/beauty blog but i also talk about my life and i wouldn't have bought this up but my dad has been trying to contact me so it's been very much part of what i have to rant about in life. I'm surprised at the feedback really as i assumed most people would have skipped the bla bla life story and gone down to the beauty segments (some did do so :p) but for those who read what i actually had to say.

    thank-you (hugs & kisses!)

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  16. i love your outfit from "wednesday".
    suchh a cute dress!
    and your puppy looks alot like mine!
    so cute!

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  17. Hey love, WOW you, your Mum and your bro should be so proud of yourselves. You guys have done some amazingly hard stuff, dealing with your Dad. I can't even start to imagine how hard that would be and I wish I could give you a massive hug! Thanks so much for sharing, really brave of you. Always remember that you're a beautiful, strong girl and we (even as mere bloggers) are here to support you!!! xxxxxoooo Deb

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thanks for your comments lovelies! :) xoxo ♥