Friday, February 18, 2011

love and loss ♥

hello all! it has been a while again, i've just become incredibly sucky at this blogging stuff :( really will make more of an effort to get back into it though
have had a bit of a shitty emotional past 2 weeks but it's kinda looking up. ive just had a lot of conflicts with friends and its made me question who i am. having the boyfriend away for a whole month really sucked ass too.
i've also done a lot of questioning about being with someone and what that means, you know the whole letting all your walls down and being vulnerable. i think im starting to realize though that it's not about fitting into his life that i should be worried about but whether he fits into mine and whether im allowing him to. He's pretty much always there for me and obviously wants to stick around and thinks im something special which god knows why but maybe i should just embrace it and be happy. I think i need to just take that leap of faith for good. much easier said than done.
I had a bit of a rough day today, did some retail therapy with my mum but then all that good was reversed by trying to bring up an emotional topic with her. she just never understands, so a teeny bit of escaped tears later, phone call to the bestfriend, suddenly get a phone call from him and he comes over to see me even though he's worked a 10 hour day and also had night school. not only that but he sits there on my bed for a good hour and listens to my crap and gives me hugs and kisses. im really so lucky to have him. so why is it that i cant be patient, take risks, and think less when it comes to him when he's so obviously worth it?

concluded, my plan of action is that im sick of losing sleep, drowning myself in chocolate, getting frown lines and treading on eggshells.
someone wise told me something today and that was that true friends dont accuse you of being hypocritical constantly, judge you because you judged them, hurt you because you hurt them or most of all, make you feel like you should be someone else.
and when i look at it like that, i see who my true friends are, who i should let decide whether they think my friendship is worth it, and who is just wasted effort and taking up undeserved room in my life.

i want to be surrounded by people who deserve me when im at my best but will stick by me and love me when im at my worst. people who appreciate when im trying my hardest and understand when i fuck up and accept it when i cant explain.

it just sucks so bad when you have to accept things like the people you thought were important shouldnt be and that time changes everything. i just have to keep reminding myself that life is what it's meant to be and whatever it serves up to me im gonna have to face it, and if im gonna do that, i only need the people who truly care and are not out to bring me down.

im sick of feeling selfish when i go after something that someone else wants, fucking hell bitch work for it and fight for it if you want it that much, im sick of modifying myself because someone cant handle me, im sick of people taking my words and twisting them, im sick of apologizing for my past, im sick of people who i thought knew me thinking the very worst of me, and most of all, im sick of feeling like i have to put in effort where im not wanted. it's draining me

i hope you guys all had a good valentines day as well, the boy took me out but let's say our night didnt go to plan and we ended up doing random things but it was so much fun. he was really thoughtful with his gifts and his card was probably one of the best ive ever received *corny moment*

what i wore on valentines day:

here's some photo updates;
clubbing!

night market with the bestfriend!
krissy's birthday :)
+ other things but cbf uploading more photos.

so hope you've all been well and cheers to new starts, letting go and ignoring bitches and dickheads and enjoying life.
to make up for the rant post, i have a small shopping haul i shall post tomorrow or zee next day :)

6 comments:

  1. cutie! the pictures look great :)

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  2. you look beautiful like always :) it's good to realise who's important and who isn't int time before you've spent your whole life being someone you're not :) it might hurt now but I'm sure it's a waight lifted off your shoulders.

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  3. I hope you're okay and I'm really glad you're back to blogging again <3 and yes you do realise who your true friends are (i'm starting to after finishing high school). You look amazing as always, be strong <3

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  4. Girl, you have already the best! Think positive! I used to be so drown by the same kind of situations. It's like wanting to let go but feel selfish of doing so. or simply wanted to give people a second (well more like a fifth) chance to make things up. After awhile, you will realize it's not all about how much effort you have put in, you simply can't change people. What to do eventually? Just find ways to make your life brilliant without them! Tell yourself you're capable of doing that, and really stick with the plan and do it. Life is too short to be miserable/stuck. I wish you best luck of being happy. And don't forget, the ones who truly care won't just go away like that. Put on your gorgeous smile and walk away :)

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  5. oh my gosh, I hope you are feeling better now, I;m so sorry to hear about those bad things. But I am so proud of you for contemplating on the issue and facing it. Things will get better, I promise! and You are so lucky to have someone who loves you so much

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  6. Cheer up, you are beautiful when you smile :)

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thanks for your comments lovelies! :) xoxo ♥